Ok, so I’m now within spitting distance of the end of my novel almost 40,000 words and now I get to finally write the conclusion that I have spent so long building to.
Is this book my masterpiece? No..No it isn’t.
But…I love this book not because it is some Great work of literary fiction but because I needed to write it. I needed it to get out all of my thoughts and feelings about my past, my ex boyfriends and myself.
Yet… I have written a book in which I die and the guys of my past live happily ever after.
Ok, before you get too wadded up. I didn’t set out to do that. In the beginning I fully enjoyed writing characters that my female friends and writing buds loved to hate, that reminded them of men in their lives, their ex’s and heartbreaks. And yes, I admit I wanted to hurt them- those male characters, those fictional substitutes, in a way I was never able to hurt their living inspirations. I wanted to say all the things I was never able to in real life and I wanted to inflict harm on them as punishment for their thoughts and their actions.
But through the writing club I was challenged to flesh out the “bad guys” to delve into their characters and see things from their perspectives. I got to live sections of the story through their eyes and in humanizing them I was able to forgive them. I was able to forgive myself and all the inspirations as well.
When I started this project to write a romance novel murder mystery I began with just a simple thought. What if I died- which of these sleazebags would have killed me and how..why?
As i’ve written I have come to terms that this story was never about them.. It was about me- me in the presence of them. It turned instead into a book about love and loss, it gives advice, it shows the scope of unrequited love and loneliness, abuse, in it’s many forms and redemption. It depicts the way in which we idealize others, objectify and assume and use- not out of malice but often from unhealed hurts and sorrows.
The story ends in a twist which I have to give credit to Kate and Noelle for. It was inspired and funny and morbid and can’t wait to finally get to write it.